No More Masks

I want to be real; to be able to be myself with no masks or strings attached. To be myself without worrying about what people think about me or even if they are thinking about me is my goal in life. Being led by the Spirit of God to do as He wills and not helping everyone with everything in every way while leaving my own feelings and needs by the wayside. Yes, I want no more masks.
“Is it okay to be me?” I would wonder and worry about all my imperfections and weaknesses. It seemed like everyone had an opinion of where I needed to change and I would try to fix everything at once, to no avail.
Realization finally set in that I needed to hear from God and know that He would change me little by little. He alone knew what area needed to be fixed next and the timing for it. Deep down, I knew I needed a revelation from God to go from head knowledge to heart knowledge: the revelation that I could relax and let God work. The work He would do would go quicker and be less painful if I wasn’t so stressed and anxious.
In 1998, I began to journal; journal about the changes I knew needed to happen in my life. Fear ruled my life, all types of physical fears such as fear of heights and driving in traffic to fear of what people thought and fear of failure, to name a few. With my melancholy personality, I tended to turn inward, prone to self-pity and worry and actually hurt my own health through worry and self hatred due to my inability to be perfect.
Ministers would come to our church and would give me the same scripture to study; the fearfulness in me was so evident. It was II Timothy 1:7:
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” NKJV
Facing the truth about my fears is what finally began a change in me, with God delivering me, little by little. Some deliverances were more miraculous but most came through obedience to the Word. I had to “do it afraid.” Over and over again, I would reach a point where I would tell God, “I just can’t do it this time. It’s too hard.” He would send a word of encouragement or prayer through another person or a song or some other place and I would try one more time and go through, another breakthrough in this area of fear. Each time I would be a little bolder, and little more relaxed with a little more joy.
The last few years have been the most painful, emotionally dealing with some of my deepest fears. I had to face the truth that even though I normally did the right thing with my choices, I was often tormented because of my people pleasing attitude. I was so overly concerned about what other’s opinions were that when I did the right thing I had no joy because of the worry. I could not seem to get past this.
Month after month, I faced test after test where I had to do what I felt God wanted or sometimes what I wanted myself instead of trying to please the crowds. In my heart, I wanted to please God and do the right thing so I had to begin to trust that if I got off track God would lead me back on.
One instance I can relay is when I was getting ready to get my hair colored the usual dark blonde. I began thinking about a girl in high school that I thought had the prettiest hair. It was long and thick, a deep auburn red in color. My hair was short and thin but I could have the color, with my dark eyes and the color of my complexion it would look okay.
Instantly the thought came, “But what would everybody think?”
I thought, “No, I can color my hair whatever I want and it doesn’t matter if anybody likes it but me. If I don’t like it, I can wait a few days and dye it again.”
I felt free! This is how it felt to remove a mask and be me. After I dyed it, I stressed a little the first day and then realized I really liked it. I even received compliments about looking younger!
After enjoying the different color for a time, I went back to the blonde and it was okay. I hate going through these tests but I like the fact that I am moving closer and closer to becoming who I was meant to be: real. Even confrontation and disagreement have been easier knowing I don’t have to please everyone and its okay to disagree agreeably. When I am wrong, I can go back, apologize and continue with my life. I still struggle at times and some days I do better than others but the mask is coming off for good.
“What is real?” asked the Rabbit one day...”Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse, “It’s a thing that happens to you...”
From The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams

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