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He Loves Me... He Loves Me Not
Author : Glenn Washburn
A man should fulfill his duty as a husband, and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife, and each should satisfy the other ' s needs.
(1Co 7:3)
Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it. (Eph 5:25)
I have been a follower of Jesus for about twenty-seven years. I have been married for all of those years to the same beautiful woman. She is still the most beautiful woman I know and I am more in love with her today than the day I married her. And that makes me a member of a growing minority.
The slogan: “The family that prays together, stays together” is well known. However, a recent study by the Barna Research Group discovered the following statistics:
11% of the adult population is currently divorced
25% of adults have had at lest one divorce in their lifetime
Divorce rates among conservative Christians were significantly higher than for other faith groups and much higher than Atheists and Agnostics
Non-denominational (evangelic) 34%
Baptists 29%
Mainline Protestants 25%
Catholics 21%
Lutherans 21%
Atheists/Agnostics 19%
Donald Hughes reports: “In the churches, people have a superstitious view that Christianity will keep them from divorce, but they are subject to the same problems as everyone else, and they include a lack of relationship skills...Just being born-again is not a rabbit’s foot. 90% of divorces among born-again couples occur after they have been saved.”
Although the data suggests that the church could do much more to support marital relationships in their midst, another question begs asking: “How hard is it, really, for a man to love his wife?” (And for the purposes of this examination I’ll only be talking to husbands) I certainly understand that relationships are hard. Ellen (my wife) and I have had more than one hiccup in our relationship in our years together. So why don’t these challenges have me running to join the ranks of the divorced. Why, despite our differences and disagreements do I fall in love with her every time I look at her? Although I’m sure I could find many reasons, it all comes down to three:
1. I believe that marriage should be a “grace factory”
2. I believe that marriage isn’t finding the right person... it’s being the right person
3. I believe that marriage is a covenant...not a contract
Grace
Marriage absolutely should be a place where both husband and wife give and receive grace. Grace is at its core, unmerited favor. What does that mean? It means that we are to love our wives like Jesus loves the church. What does that mean? Without getting too theological: despite the fact that sometimes we’re unfaithful to Him, that we ignore Him, that we spend very little time with Him, He loves us. In other words, His love for us is independent of our love for Him. My love for Ellen is based on my love for Ellen and nothing else. Yes, I thrive on her love for me and her love for me certainly motivates me to love her more, but that cannot be the basis for my love. That would make our love a contract (I’ll go into that later). My goal and my desire is to be Jesus in our relationship. Difficult? You bet! But the success and growth of our relationship depends on it.
The Right Person
When Ellen and I were going through our most difficult time, as a couple, this “right person” stuff was front and center. I was coming home each day in a “what can you do for me” attitude. Unfortunately, so was she. As a result we just kept drifting farther and farther apart. I should have been laying my needs aside and reaching out to her. The irony is, that if I had done that, she would have been more than motivated to give me freely what I was selfishly demanding. Anyway, my drifting led me to a place that no husband has the right to go. And then a miraculous thing happened. Although, Ellen could have sought and certainly deserved a divorce, she gave some of that unmerited favor. We took some time off and went away to reconnect. And that’s where we both learned how to be the right person. God basically told us to put to death the “me” and embrace the “we”. We’ve been doing that ever since (although time and again I have to remind myself). The result is that I was able to prove again and again that it is truly by giving that you receive. Every time I slip back to demanding what I need from her, I get nothing. And when I give her what she needs, she consistently gives me more than I ever thought of demanding. So guys, wise up! Your wife possesses all you could ever need or want. You may be the head of the home...but she is the heart. Deprive your own heart of what it needs and let me know how that works out for you.
Covenant
Just as Jesus’ relationship with the church His bride is covenantal, so is the husband’s to his wife. The problem is that most of us think and operate as if we were in a contract. In a contract, if one party fails to live up to their end of the bargain that voids the responsibility of the other to hold up theirs. A healthy marriage an never operate under this arrangement (just refer to the “right person” piece above). A covenant on the other hand is binding, unmoved by outside influences. Jesus is never going to divorce us, although if He were operating under a contract He would have left us centuries ago. So how can we be so flippant with our marriage covenant...and on the flimsiest excuses: “She doesn’t understand me”...”She doesn’t appreciate me”...waa.... waa...waa! Come on guys!! You stood there in front of family, friends and God and told her that she could count on you. And now you’re going to bail because she doesn’t understand you. Let’s face it; men and woman will never completely understand each other. For my money, that’s just fine. That means that every day there is the potential to discover something new about my wife. So for those of you fellas who say you’re marriage has gone stale: I would submit to you that you’re just not looking. There are exciting new things to discover every day. Trust me brother, there’s buried treasure hidden there and it is worth the digging. Bottom line: ask for His help, counsel when you need to, but don’t bail on a covenant. When we break a promise we lose a little piece of ourselves. Hang in there...there’s potentially more wonderful times around the corner than you could possibly imagine.
So there you have it. I love my wife and I plan on that continuing for a good long time, Lord willing. The one thing I’ve learned is that despite what you may have heard all your life, marriage is not addition: 1 + 1 = 2. That equation is easily divided. Marriage is multiplication:
1 x 1 = 1.
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